We found out today that instead of Jeff having 1-2 years, he may only have 1-2 months. His cancer is growing at a pace that boggles his oncologist’s mind. Jeff’s mother and I were overwhelmed today to say the least.
He will be getting a double shot of chemo on Monday. His doctor says the chances his body will accept it are slim. Three weeks from Monday we will know. If his body doesn’t accept chemo and his tumors do not shrink, then it’s comfort care.
I can’t wrap my head around the concept of watching someone die. Someone I love. I have yet to deal with the fact I may have to give up the house. It’s all too much. The last thing on my mind is cooking. At least today.
Every bad emotion a human can have, I have. It sucks.
So for the five or so people that read this blog 🙂 I may or may not be updating for a little while, it all depends on what happens with Jeff.
It’s a supposed hiatus meaning, If I feel it may sooth my soul I will make something awesome and share it with you all. But for right now, even cooking isn’t soothing my soul. We shall see.
Keep your fingers crossed Jeff’s body accepts chemo and tumors start shrinking. It’s been nothing but bad news, after bad news. Some good news would be nice.
Thank you for reading.
Sarah
My Culinary Sanctuary 
Kristin
October 7, 2011 at 8:42 PM
Sarah,
I do read your blog and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I think you are courageous to be honest with where you are at. I hope that you do what is right for you and Jeff, and not what it seems like you should do or feel. I cannot fathom what you are going through, but I hope you find a small amount of comfort that people you have never met are rooting for the two of you, and that you have touched us deeply.
Kristin
Valerie
October 7, 2011 at 9:23 PM
Sarah,
I have your lovely recipes and pictures delivered to my email…I’m not really a blog reader but I found one of your recipes and loved it so I subscribed.
I’m thinking of you at this terrible time. Good luck to you and to Jeff. I hope his response to treatment is a good one and that there is a reduction in his tumors. Take care.
-Valerie
czautcke
October 7, 2011 at 10:38 PM
Take as long as you need. Or post if you need to.
lisa
October 8, 2011 at 2:36 PM
Hi Sarah,
I don’t know you IRL, but I feel like I do b/c you stay connected to all of us “out there” on the internet through this blog and a shared love of cooking and baking.
So, I am sending you and Jeff positive energy and thoughts from nyc. I hope that the chemo does work. Stay strong and know that I, “one of the five or so” is thinking of you 🙂
~lisa
Kath & Steve Vogelmann
October 9, 2011 at 11:55 AM
Dear Sarah,
We were so saddened to hear of the turn of events and what you and Jeff are going through. Our hearts go out to you and we pray that you be comforted and strengthened by the only one who truly understands your pain.
He is a God of miracles and we do pray for miracles on your behalf. Although ultimately Jeff’s days are not in the hands of any mortal, but in God’s alone, we are praying for wisdom on high for his doctors and a successful chemo treatment and healing.
May you rest in His arms and find shelter under the shadow of His wings.
By His grace,
Kath and Steve
HighCross Farm
“The eternal God is your refuge and dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deuteronomy 33:27a
“He tends His flock like a Shepherd. He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart.” Isaiah 40:11
Johnny & Vicki Olszewski
October 9, 2011 at 8:39 PM
We read your post today and our hearts are crying with you. God has been our strength during the trials of our lives and we pray He will be the same to you. May you feel the comfort and warmth of His everlasting love. We are praying for you both.
Johnny & Vicki Olszewski
(fellow CSA members)
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
Ellen Habeck
October 9, 2011 at 11:25 PM
Dear Sarah,
My heart hurts for what you and Jeff are facing. You are so precious to our beloved friends, Steve and Kath, so you are precious to me. I will be lifting you and Jeff up to the Lord, who wept at the ravages of sin and brokenness in the world, was repulsed when he faced the horrors of paying the price of our redemption, but out of love we can’t begin to fathom did the ultimate something about it, so that sin, disease, heartache, suffering and even when each of us face death… that these don’t have to have the final say.
I will pray for Jeff’s healing, your comfort and sustaining grace, guidance and redeeming mercy for you both. I pray that you would both experience tangible expressions of the love of God and an outpouring from Him of everything you need.
Hugs and love to you, dear Sarah,
Ellen Habeck
clare
October 10, 2011 at 9:52 PM
Hi Sarah
I just stumbled across your blog.
My name is Clare and I am writing from Australia.
I was deeply touched reading your last entry and even though I am a stranger, I wanted to best wishes from down under.
Clare
clare
October 10, 2011 at 9:53 PM
PS send best wishes
L Olson
October 13, 2011 at 8:10 PM
We’ve enjoyed making your recipes with our High Cross Farm CSA also. You and Jeff are in our prayers – may God provide you with peace and understanding as you go through this difficult time.
Shana Jenson (Bayview)
January 11, 2012 at 8:44 AM
I will pray for some good news to come to you and your family. Please know that lots of people you have never met are all pulling for you and Jeff.